Villain Hall of Fame
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The Boys In Blue
Don't Knock The Noggin
Thanos: Guest Review
Boys Need Love Too
you're here but you haven't taken the quizzes yet, you're in big trouble,
mister. You march right back and click the "Quiz" link in the lefthand
side bar and take the darn tests! However, if you've taken the tests I
hope you enjoyed them and are ready to reap the rewards. That is, the
answers. There's no real reward. It was just a figure of speech. Ahem.
1: SPOT THE VILLAIN
did the work, now here are the answers. These are all just conjecture,
of course, but that doesn't mean we can't pretend...
Stipe: NO he's to concerned about the world around him
to ever yearn for Super Villainhood. I think his weakness is pretty
much summed up by REM's last couple albums. It's obvious that even
if he had power he's losing it embarrassingly fast.
Ross Perot: YES He's got the money, the organizational
skills, and the firm grasp on insanity. He's also got the funny looks
so all he needs now is a pair of tights and a mask. Can you hear him
berating his henchmen? "Can I finish? Can I finish??"
Thurman: NO Yucky though he may be, he's old and will pass
on into the afterlife for yucky people. I know the Terror from "The
Tick" was Super evil well into his twilight years but I can't think
of a single other villainous octogenarian…unless my grandmother
Conan Obrien: NO He would be one of those Joker-esque amusing
villains but he can't even make his talk show run smoothly, much less
plan a successful heist. Even with Andy's help he would be out of
Sean Connery: YES, OH YES! Well he would if I ran the world.
I like villains, I like Sean Connery. Boy do I like Sean Connery.
I can just hear him now, "Shtand back, Batman, thish bomb ish about
to ecshplode." And his evil laugh would be accompanied by those crinkles
at the corners of his eyes…..where was I? Oh yeah, on to number
Gates: YES Do I have to spell it out? Microsoft is nothing
but a massive cover for his evil underground forces which are amassing
even as we speak. Who do you think Scorpio from that episode of "The
Simpsons" was based on, anyway?
Stern: YES, KIND OF I think he could be a Super Villain,
but only his low-class white-trash listening audience would pay any
attention to his crimes. His would be the least impressive crime spree
Winfrey: NO She just seems like such a kind person. But
if she did, I'm sure she would start by printing up her manifesto
and placing it in her Book Club, then all the houswives of america
would become her army of unholy minions. Well, at least the ones who
actually read it instead of just watching the "dinner with the author"
and trying to glean the jist of it from contextual clues. Anyway,
she's just too nice to go evil. Too bad, though. I would have joined
Jordan: NO Same as Oprah, he's just too nice. He's got
the power and the followers, just not the world-dominating ambition.
I could just see his first act: Fitting Hanes boxer shorts over the
World Trade Center Towers. Then on to Lady Liberty!!
Guy From Blue's Clues: NO He's no villain, he's just lame.
However, if he doesn't give his acting career a good kick in the pants
and save his self-esteem (have you seen him dance around??) he will
soon snap and like Jack Napier he may evolve into a surprisingly evil
Martha Stewart: YES Martha Stewart is to Bill Gates what
Hexadecimal is to Megabyte. Both evil, both scary. I could see them
supporting each other's bid for chaos and domination. If I had to
choose between living in Marthopolis or Gatetham City I would choose
Gatetham City. Marthopolis would have too many doilies and rattan
Green: NO This guy's basically D.O.A. from the neck up.
Unless you consider poop jokes to be an evil weapon, this guy's completely
unarmed and unprepared for life in a world where no one but frat boys
thinks he's interesting. Same complex as Howard Stern.
Ben Stein: YES But would that be so bad? Sometimes I watch
his gameshow and I think maybe he should take over. Who alive is smarter
than him, Stephen Hawking? Ben Stein wouldn't even need henchmen,
he could just think circles around his enemies and tie them up while
they're dumbfounded and dazed.
Povich: YES Unlikely to happen now, but think about all
those kids he sends to boot camp every day on his show. Someday they
will be adults who will be too scared to stand up to him. "No, Mr.
Povich, please don't send me back! I'll do anything!" His rise to
power will be a cakewalk.
Judy: NO Come on, whoever heard of Evil Villain Judge?
She'd make a better smart-mouthed Super Hero.
Crawford: YES For a pretty gal she's sure got the smarts.
And fortunately for her bid for domination she's got the looks that
ensures the male half of the population will bend over backwards to
help her rise to power. Oops, did I say rise? Sorry fellas.
Walters: NO Barbara's importance exists pretty much in
her own mind. No one else really cares.
Forbes: NO Forbes is already an evil henchman android robot
minion, just look in his eyes and you'll see. The question is, who
is controlling him? Whose syndicate created him? Androids, computers,
I would say Bill Gates. And he's well groomed in appearance so I would
say also Martha Stewart. I'm telling you, they are the duo that needs
to be watched.
Greztke: NO A Canadian evildoer? Hmmm, not in this millennium.
Shatner: NO ...............his..................henchmen...............could........
2: TEST YOUR EQ (EVIL QUOTIENT)
Quiz Part 1: Scoring your test.
EQ TEST ANSWERS: Tally up the points for each answer you chose. No fair
going back and changing your answer to get a better score!!
EQ Test Part 2: Evaluating your score.
in the wrong business, Partner
you'd be better off pursuing a life of good rather than a life of evil.
You clearly aren't interested in true wrong-doing, and you certainly
don't have the drive to succeed. Look, if you're ever going to blast
your own image into the face of Mount Rushmore, you're going to have
to have the motivation to start with the planning, hire a design artist,
and follow all the way through to completion without crises of conscience
or silly moments of inattentiveness to details. The lower you scored,
the less likely you will be to succeed. Perhaps you just like people
too much. Your best hope is to get a part-time job henching around for
some other up and coming villain. Maybe then you can learn the ropes
of evil the right way.
14 to 35 points:
ride in an elevator with you
got all of the evil trappings but none of the direction and planning.
Your main goal is chaos but you don't think about the greater benefit
to yourself or your organization. Pushing old ladies into traffic? Man,
that's not villainous, that's mean. You would benefit from some business
classes at the local community college. Also, look into meditation or
yoga so you can learn to focus your destructive tendencies into constructive
villainry. And never forget that style is everything. You're closer
to your goal than the folks in the previous category but you're like
a rogue bowling ball. Get yourself in an alley and find some pins to
36 to 50 points:
your mask from Secret Identities R Us now!
You've got the chops, you've got what it takes. At least
theoretically. Now all you have to do is organize a crime syndicate,
build some assets, assemble the necessary tools and technology, and
keep it all underground. You've entered a phase in your evil development
where no advice can help anymore. You've got to figure out from here
how to achieve your dreams. If you want to transform the Golden Gate
Bridge support cables into massive strands of spaghetti, you're going
to have to figure out for yourself how to do it. Good luck, and always
remember Vegeta's immortal words from Season 1 of Dragonball Z (American):
"Being a good fiend is like being a photographer. You have to search
for the right moments."
All For The Quizzes! Have A Villainous Day!