The Home For Cartoon Villains

If you're here but you haven't taken the quizzes yet, you're in big trouble, mister. You march right back and click the "Quiz" link in the lefthand side bar and take the darn tests! However, if you've taken the tests I hope you enjoyed them and are ready to reap the rewards. That is, the answers. There's no real reward. It was just a figure of speech. Ahem.

Quiz 1: SPOT THE VILLAIN
You did the work, now here are the answers. These are all just conjecture, of course, but that doesn't mean we can't pretend...

Michael Stipe: NO he's to concerned about the world around him to ever yearn for Super Villainhood. I think his weakness is pretty much summed up by REM's last couple albums. It's obvious that even if he had power he's losing it embarrassingly fast.
Ross Perot: YES He's got the money, the organizational skills, and the firm grasp on insanity. He's also got the funny looks so all he needs now is a pair of tights and a mask. Can you hear him berating his henchmen? "Can I finish? Can I finish??"
Strom Thurman: NO Yucky though he may be, he's old and will pass on into the afterlife for yucky people. I know the Terror from "The Tick" was Super evil well into his twilight years but I can't think of a single other villainous octogenarian…unless my grandmother counts.
Conan Obrien: NO He would be one of those Joker-esque amusing villains but he can't even make his talk show run smoothly, much less plan a successful heist. Even with Andy's help he would be out of his league.
Sean Connery: YES, OH YES! Well he would if I ran the world. I like villains, I like Sean Connery. Boy do I like Sean Connery. I can just hear him now, "Shtand back, Batman, thish bomb ish about to ecshplode." And his evil laugh would be accompanied by those crinkles at the corners of his eyes…..where was I? Oh yeah, on to number 6.
Bill Gates: YES Do I have to spell it out? Microsoft is nothing but a massive cover for his evil underground forces which are amassing even as we speak. Who do you think Scorpio from that episode of "The Simpsons" was based on, anyway?
Howard Stern: YES, KIND OF I think he could be a Super Villain, but only his low-class white-trash listening audience would pay any attention to his crimes. His would be the least impressive crime spree in history.
Oprah Winfrey: NO She just seems like such a kind person. But if she did, I'm sure she would start by printing up her manifesto and placing it in her Book Club, then all the houswives of america would become her army of unholy minions. Well, at least the ones who actually read it instead of just watching the "dinner with the author" and trying to glean the jist of it from contextual clues. Anyway, she's just too nice to go evil. Too bad, though. I would have joined her.
Michael Jordan: NO Same as Oprah, he's just too nice. He's got the power and the followers, just not the world-dominating ambition. I could just see his first act: Fitting Hanes boxer shorts over the World Trade Center Towers. Then on to Lady Liberty!!
That Guy From Blue's Clues: NO He's no villain, he's just lame. However, if he doesn't give his acting career a good kick in the pants and save his self-esteem (have you seen him dance around??) he will soon snap and like Jack Napier he may evolve into a surprisingly evil man.
Martha Stewart: YES Martha Stewart is to Bill Gates what Hexadecimal is to Megabyte. Both evil, both scary. I could see them supporting each other's bid for chaos and domination. If I had to choose between living in Marthopolis or Gatetham City I would choose Gatetham City. Marthopolis would have too many doilies and rattan chairs.
Tom Green: NO This guy's basically D.O.A. from the neck up. Unless you consider poop jokes to be an evil weapon, this guy's completely unarmed and unprepared for life in a world where no one but frat boys thinks he's interesting. Same complex as Howard Stern.
Ben Stein: YES But would that be so bad? Sometimes I watch his gameshow and I think maybe he should take over. Who alive is smarter than him, Stephen Hawking? Ben Stein wouldn't even need henchmen, he could just think circles around his enemies and tie them up while they're dumbfounded and dazed.
Maury Povich: YES Unlikely to happen now, but think about all those kids he sends to boot camp every day on his show. Someday they will be adults who will be too scared to stand up to him. "No, Mr. Povich, please don't send me back! I'll do anything!" His rise to power will be a cakewalk.
Judge Judy: NO Come on, whoever heard of Evil Villain Judge? She'd make a better smart-mouthed Super Hero.
Cindy Crawford: YES For a pretty gal she's sure got the smarts. And fortunately for her bid for domination she's got the looks that ensures the male half of the population will bend over backwards to help her rise to power. Oops, did I say rise? Sorry fellas.
Barbara Walters: NO Barbara's importance exists pretty much in her own mind. No one else really cares.
Steve Forbes: NO Forbes is already an evil henchman android robot minion, just look in his eyes and you'll see. The question is, who is controlling him? Whose syndicate created him? Androids, computers, I would say Bill Gates. And he's well groomed in appearance so I would say also Martha Stewart. I'm telling you, they are the duo that needs to be watched.
Wayne Greztke: NO A Canadian evildoer? Hmmm, not in this millennium.
William Shatner: NO ...............his..................henchmen...............could........ never...........follow.........his..........instructions .........because...................
he..........pauses..........................too..................................much.

QUIZ 2: TEST YOUR EQ (EVIL QUOTIENT)

EQ Quiz Part 1: Scoring your test.

EQ TEST ANSWERS: Tally up the points for each answer you chose. No fair going back and changing your answer to get a better score!!

1.....A=5.....B=1.....C=10
2.....A=1......B=10....C=5
3.....A=10.....B=5.....C=1
4.....A=1......B=5.....C=10
5.....A=10.....B=1.....C=5

EQ Test Part 2: Evaluating your score.

0 to 13 points:

You're in the wrong business, Partner
Perhaps you'd be better off pursuing a life of good rather than a life of evil. You clearly aren't interested in true wrong-doing, and you certainly don't have the drive to succeed. Look, if you're ever going to blast your own image into the face of Mount Rushmore, you're going to have to have the motivation to start with the planning, hire a design artist, and follow all the way through to completion without crises of conscience or silly moments of inattentiveness to details. The lower you scored, the less likely you will be to succeed. Perhaps you just like people too much. Your best hope is to get a part-time job henching around for some other up and coming villain. Maybe then you can learn the ropes of evil the right way.

14 to 35 points:

I wouldn't ride in an elevator with you
You've got all of the evil trappings but none of the direction and planning. Your main goal is chaos but you don't think about the greater benefit to yourself or your organization. Pushing old ladies into traffic? Man, that's not villainous, that's mean. You would benefit from some business classes at the local community college. Also, look into meditation or yoga so you can learn to focus your destructive tendencies into constructive villainry. And never forget that style is everything. You're closer to your goal than the folks in the previous category but you're like a rogue bowling ball. Get yourself in an alley and find some pins to knock down!

36 to 50 points:
Order your mask from Secret Identities R Us now!
You've got the chops, you've got what it takes. At least theoretically. Now all you have to do is organize a crime syndicate, build some assets, assemble the necessary tools and technology, and keep it all underground. You've entered a phase in your evil development where no advice can help anymore. You've got to figure out from here how to achieve your dreams. If you want to transform the Golden Gate Bridge support cables into massive strands of spaghetti, you're going to have to figure out for yourself how to do it. Good luck, and always remember Vegeta's immortal words from Season 1 of Dragonball Z (American): "Being a good fiend is like being a photographer. You have to search for the right moments."

That's All For The Quizzes! Have A Villainous Day!